Start and Stop

Rarely have I started a new post only to delete it and this, my fourth attempt, may not survive either.

Pouring my heart out right now seems counterproductive because, after I pull myself together again, nothing has changed.

I'm beginning to think I like my own silence far too much because it's so easy for me to hide behind these walls. I don't feel the need to interact with people outside of work or ski patrol.

Someone asked me, very recently, what it is I'm looking for. I knew immediately what it is.

I want Henry. It's that simple. (I wish!)

He is still the last thing I think of as I'm falling to sleep, he is the first person I think of when I open my eyes. He is the first person I want to call when the world is spinning perfectly - or when it's off its axis.

He is in me. I want Henry.

"Mean" by P!nk

You use to hold the door for me
Now you can't wait to leave
You use to send me flowers if
You fucked up in my dreams
I use to make you laugh
With all the silly shit I did
Now you roll your eyes and
Walk away and shake your head

When the spark has gone and the candles are out
And the song is done and there's no more sound
Whispers turn to yelling and I'm thinking

[Chorus:]
How do we get so mean? How do we just move on?
How do you feel in the morning
When it comes and everything's undone?
Is it 'cause we wanna be free? Well that's not me.
Normally I'm so strong
I just can't wake up on the floor
Like a thousand times before
Knowing that forever won't be

I'm always sentimental when I think of how it was
When love was sweet and new and we just couldn't get enough
The shower, it reminds me you'd undress me with your eyes
And now you never touch me and you tell me that you're tired

You know it gets so sad when it all goes bad
And all you think about is all the fun you've had
And all those "sorry"'s ain't never gonna mean a thing

[Chorus]

I know we said some things that we can never take back
It's like a train wreck trying to hit the right track
We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe
But we should've drank it down while it was still sweet
It all goes bad eventually

Now do we stay together 'cause we're scared to be alone
We got so used to this abuse it kind of feels like home
But my baby I just really wanna know oh.

Connor

You may never know how much your years of silence have taken a toll on me.

You may never hear how much it hurts that you do not communicate with me.

You may never hear or know these things because we may never see or talk to each other again.

I have reached out over and over and over to you.

It's YOUR turn.

I love you,

Mom

Say Anything by Edwin McCain

Say anything, save everything
If we say nothing, this love will die
Give me just one word, you can scream or whisper
If you want to stay with me, tell me why
Say anything

It's not that the words aren't there,
but they'd only fail my emotions
Just want to feel this way,
without chaining you down to some old cliche
You want water in my hands,
and we stand waist deep in the ocean
It's bigger than the sea, it won't let me

Say just anything, because I feel everything
I'd rather say nothing, than the same old lines
I think I give you more, something there's no words for
You don't have to hear me to feel me trying
To say anything

Baby I know you try,
but sometimes I still want to hear it
Even when the waters calm,
but lately it's just when there's something wrong
Why can't we splash around,
and hold on to that playful spirit
Oh like we used to do and won't you

Say anything, save everything
If we say nothing this love will die
Give me just one word, you can scream or whisper
If you want to stay with me tell me why
Say anything

This love is true
Even if you
Call it by a different name
And it's still the same, so we'll

Say anything, feel everything
I want to be with you so this love can fly
We'll hang on every word and we'll scream, we'll whisper
This moment is waiting for you and I
Say anything
Say anything..


(Edwin McCain, featuring Maia Sharp)

Sounds of Silence

Well, kind of.

It's almost 2 o'clock in the morning and my house is mostly quiet.

There are two "tickingtocking" clocks that are hung on walls approximately 10 feet apart. They have never "ticked" or "tocked" at the same time since we've owned them, so there is a constant chattering that I can't get away from.

Sometimes it seems like my heart beats with both their rhythms and when I pay close attention to all three, they drown everything else out.

Until something breaks the silence.

Like Hunter shifting positions in his bed directly above where I am sitting. Or the dog, Oreo, snoring. Or, thanks to Mother Nature and the winter storm warning, the thunder and lightning going on outside the doorwall next to me. The forecasters say we might be receiving 10 inches of snow so the winter storm warning is in effect until 8 p.m. tonight (Monday).

I've had a lot of silent time on my hands lately. Ten weeks worth...and still counting. Yep. Ten whole weeks since I broke my foot and boy did that open up a Pandora's Box of health issues I never saw coming.

When I saw the "Wizard of Feet" eight weeks after I broke my foot and it was clear to my untrained eye -- and confirmed by the "Wizard" -- that there had yet to be any healing taking place, and after he explained the only option available to me would be surgery, I knew what I needed to do next. Have a complete blood work-up.

The first set of lab results showed my serum (blood) Calcium to be high. This is not good. The second set of labs showed my Parathyroid Hormones to be high, too. (A "normal" PTH reading is between 10 - 65; mine is 105.)

My doctor referred me out for a Dexa-Scan (bone density scan) as well as to an Endocrinologist. Both of which I accomplished last week.

My bones look good -- no signs of osteoporosis yet -- and the Endocrinologist ordered a whole new set of labs PLUS a 24-hour urine. (A 24-hour urine is simply capturing ALL of your urine for, yep, 24-hours in a big lab container, while keeping it refrigerated.)

If you've ever done one of these without a broken-no-weight-bearing-foot; consider yourselves lucky.

The lab tech who drew my blood for the Endocrinologist actually works for the lab who tests all the labs drawn in that office.

One would think, at least I did, that said lab tech would actually know what the hell she was doing when doing a venipuncture.

Five tiger-top tubes of blood later and a hematoma (knot) where she poked me, that lasted more than 24 hours, and the resulting bruise that makes me look like a drug addict and I think she should never draw blood again.

Ah...'ticktock'...'ticktock'...the sounds of silence...