Nervously Terrified

I am currently in the waiting room of an imaging department waiting to be called back for a CAT scan. Two CAT scans actually. The first scan is of my sinuses, no worries there, and the second, an abdominal scan, is focused on my pancreas. BIG anxiety there. HUGE anxiety.

The reason for the pancreatic CAT scan came about from an incidental finding on an abdominal ultrasound I had not too long ago. Which is a good thing, I think, based on people in my immediate family having pancreatic related diseases. Diabetes. And cancer.

Pancreatic cancer.

Yes, I'm a little ruffled right now. (And nauseous from drinking this barium contrast).

Yesterday, as if these CAT scans weren't stressful enough, the press can bloodwork I had to have pre-scan shows my serum calcium level is seriously elevated AGAIN as is the parathyroid hormone. I have already had 2/4 parathyroid glands removed, what next?

Seriously?

Breathe...

...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out...

Two days and a wake-up and I will be under a scalpel. Again. The knot in my stomach is twisting and growing to the point I feel like throwing up.

I am afraid I am putting too much faith that this surgery alleviates 'some' of the depression I have been buried under for too long. There are research studies showing that this DOES happen - just not for everybody. I feel the same amount of faith that my energy will, well, that I might actually have some. Energy. Finally. It is as though I have been sleeping through life. Scratch that - I HAVE slept most of my life away.

Now I pray, with everything I have, that a voice will emerge from somewhere in the darkness and tell me, "Everything will be okay".

Will it?

Sleep

I can already feel the September Anxiety, deep sadness and grief creeping in on me.

If I could sleep through, or skip entirely, the month of September...I would...