Sorry, not sorry

Two weeks ago I took it upon myself to tell Miss*, a friend of Matthew's, what was going on.

I knew it would be a long while before he opened up to her, if at all, and it is something he couldn't talk about with her via telephone or visits to the jail because of constant monitoring, and it was something she needed to know NOW.

Not later.

Matthew talked with Miss* tonight and, while he is rightfully angry at me, and I'm sorry that he is, I don't at all regret telling her.

Because, in the end, Miss* didn't abandon him and, for Matthew, that's a good thing.

Whether he realizes it or not.

*Not her real name

Morning Prose

Yesterday I unintentionally awoke at 4:13 a.m. and retrieved the pen and paper I keep next to my bed. In the darkness, still half-asleep, this is what I wrote:

Upside down
and turned around
bubbles sinking to the floor

There's no way out
I scream and shout
My voice is heard no more

Blackness comes
my body numb
complete and to the core

I close my eyes
there is no cry
at last I am no more

February 28, 2018
4:15 a.m.

Pen in hand I fell asleep back to sleep.

Ball & Chain

"I was in a relationship I had no business being in."

That statement, while taken out of context, is still ricocheting inside my head like a wayward torpedo.

It was not spoken in anger or malice, or to maim or wound me. It was however probably the most honest thing Henry has said to me in the past 7+ years.

Henry said he had been in a place in his life when we met, where he should have been focusing on himself instead of a relationship and a marriage.

The sad thing is, I understand. I know that paralyzing feeling of emptiness of not knowing who I was, what my purpose in life was or why I even existed.

The question I have been dragging around like a ball and chain has finally been answered.

I feel nothing.